Why Gamer Bling Doesn’t Golf

Golf is a fairly popular game these days, especially in Gamer Bling’s new home state of insanity North Carolina, where summer lasts much longer than any reasonable Scandinavian wants it to. But long summers afford lots of golf playing for everyone, even on those days when the thermometer reaches a hundred and death three.

Yet Gamer Bling does not golf. And Gamer Bling will not ask the rhetorical question of “Would you like to know why?” because Gamer Bling understands that, in all likelihood, you do not care. So instead of asking, he will just tell you, forcing you for politeness’ sake to sit through his ramblings once again. Because maybe there’s a review involved.

Many long years ago, when Gamer Bling was young and careless carefree, he lived in Corpus Christi with his official older brother. Corpus Christi was so hot and especially so humid that you could taste the air. Gamer Bling does not jest. There is a reason that Gamer Bling does not live in Corpus Christi, and that reason is that he could no longer stand the taste.

Anyway, Gamer Bling’s official older brother—this being the mutant one whose progeny will eventually cause the utter annihilation of the human race—was beginning to take up the game of golf, this being a way to curry favor with his supervisor. And it’s also an excuse to hang out with the guys and take a nice walk in a well manicured garden-like environment. And beer was necessary to erase the taste of the air. Sadly, we had none.

Gamer Bling is a serious duffer.Gamer Bling being a 1st-level commoner at the game (in AD&D this level was called “duffer”), his game was none too good, but everyone was laid back and enjoying themselves, so it didn’t really matter. And on one particular hole, Gamer Bling managed to drive the ball about halfway down the fairway.

So there Gamer Bling was, halfway down the fairway with the green some hundred and death fifty yards distant. And about thirty yards directly in front of Gamer Bling, right smack in the middle of the Fairway just to punish duffers, sitting like a malignant little GM trap, was a sapling.

This sapling was maybe twelve feet tall, being mostly branches. Its trunk was maybe an inch wide, an inch and a half tops. And when Gamer Bling checked the lay of the ball against the pennant marking the hole, the accursed little sapling was almost dead center blocking the path.

Putting his keen analytical mind to good use, Gamer Bling quickly determined that he would be unable to hit the sapling if he tried, even given five years of duffing swinging at it, so he chose to utterly ignore its existence.

He aimed at the hole as best as he could, and whacked that little golf ball as hard as he could in an attempt to clear the other half of the fairway and keep from having another double-digit-bogie hole.

At this point Gamer Bling will point out that a double-digit bogie is not a two-toed alien, but a score of ten strokes over par or worse.

Anyway, Gamer Bling’s swing was, shall we say, keen and true as a vorpal blade. Gamer Bling’s ball hit that accursed sapling so squarely dead center that he had to dodge the ball as it ricocheted back, and Gamer Bling lost fifty feet or more on the stroke.

Gamer Bling then took two strokes to dink his ball around the accursed sapling before he attempted once more to aim for the green. He also swore a vow that day never to play golf again, a vow that has lasted for many years, and much much longer than his New Year’s Resolution.

That is why Gamer Bling does not play golf. He will leave it as an exercise for the reader to decide whether Gamer Bling’s stroke was a critical hit or a critical fumble. Both are arguable. And while considering this puzzle, see the new review here.


~ by Gamer Bling on 9 September 2009.

2 Responses to “Why Gamer Bling Doesn’t Golf”

  1. You gave up Golf becuase of one little obstacle?

    Say it with me…
    Da Da Da Da Da…Da Da… Na Na Na Na Na Na…

    Golf and Gaming are very very much alike. So much so, Golf is a considered a game. The object is to get the ball (play the character), and to overcome the challenges of the course (you as a player lead your character to success) by sinking the ball into the hole at the end of the course (Your character must survive to reach the end-game in the adventure/module).

    It’s about calculating risk/reward ratios, not aiming directly for your goal in order to achieve your goal faster, and in knowing your own strength (The strength of your swing) so you can gauge how far the ball will travel.

    I don’t think its either a critical hit or a critical fumble… yet. After all you have to play the game in the first place, for it to be considered as a success or failure, otherwise it’s only a one-time experience.

    • Gamer Bling is nothing if not indulgent: “Da Da Da Da Da…Da Da… Na Na Na Na Na Na…”

      There are, of course, other factors involved. Like the fact that golf just didn’t grab Gamer Bling’s heart. Like the fact that Ultimate Frisbee was more fun and much more Gamer Bling’s style. And most especially like the fact that Gamer Bling could never get a better story out of golfing, were he to do it for the rest of his life.

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