Crystal Metal Dice
By Game Source International
Glam Metal Disco Bling Dice
No, the link to this review is not for crystal meth dice, it’s for crystal metal dice, although these are probably equally addictive as the crystal meth dice. And possibly more expensive per gram.
In case you have not done your research (and why should you, when you have Gamer Bling to do it for you?), Game Source is a Chinese manufacturer. Now, ordinarily, when one thinks of game paraphernalia made in China, one thinks immediately of cheap, lightweight, plastic commodities. Entire industries are based on the concept of cheap, lightweight, plastic commodities. Heck, many of the candidates running for US President this go-round are cheap, lightweight, plastic commodities.
Or, to keep more or less on track about things that are lightweight and plastic, we could talk about dice, instead of, you know, Paris Hilton’s brain.
Dice are typically cheap, lightweight, plastic commodities. Goodness knows the early dice were exemplars of all three adjectives, being made of something that eroded like a sand castle. They’d melt in your hands quicker than a naked M&M.
Even still, most of the dice today are made of inexpensive lightweight plastic.
Not these babies. In stark contrast to popular convention, these dice are expensive, heavyweight, metal items. But, in an artistic nod to their heritage, they come with a touch of cheap, lightweight, plastic bling. So maybe they’re like the Tom Brady-and-Giselle Bündchen of the dice world.
Measuring in at a stocky 17mm breadth, the dice proudly sit on your gaming table and wait for you to find your old calculator and do some quick math to figure out that that converts to a 2/3-inch-wide die. And hopefully they looked so cool and shiny that your friends didn’t notice you couldn’t do a metric conversion in your head.
As you may notice from the photo, the gemstone on the “1” side is much larger than those on the “6” side. Gamer Bling believes, hopes, and prays that this was deliberately done so that the weight of the single gem is equal to the weight of the six, and, more impoertantly, the metal missing from each side weighs the same, all of which helps keep the die balanced and fair. But it also looks cool having that one big fat gem.
As a side note, for some reason Gamer Bling did not have the impression that these were regular cubes. Maybe his febrile little brain just couldn’t believe it. But after a caliper check, these turned out fine, even great. They are very regular cubes. In fact, the only irregularities lie in the fact that the plastic gems protrude slightly from the surface of the die. Gamer Bling has not run a rolling test to see how much that affects the randomness of the die, nor is he likely to unles he ends up spending six hours trapped in a layover at O’Hare.
Since we’re kind of on the subject, the crystals come in the primary colors of red, blue, and gold (because yellow just sounds cowardly). And the metal comes in the color of metal.
Now, a lot of gamers throw dice at each other when someone drops a horrid pun or pulls off a real zinger of a mom joke. If you have these dice, you don’t need to throw them. Just the threat will keep your fellows respectful.
And when you need to make a roll with these dice, all eyes will be on you. In a very different fashion than when you slipped on that banana peel and did a pratfall into a mud puddle. And when they roll, they roll with authority. They’ve got more gravitas than all the talking heads who badly overused the word “gravitas” in the 2000 elections. You toss a plastic die across the table, and it rolls a good distance; you roll one of these, it maybe takes three tumbles and lands firmly on one side. And they’re just hawt.
Well, they’re heavy and made of metal. This means that you can’t be rolling them on a nice wooden table. Gamer Bling wouldn’t even recommend rolling them on one of your nice hardback game books, either. So if you have these, you’ll also need a dice tower or dice tray. Preferably with padding.
It also means that if you have a bad roll or someone across the table breaks wind, you can’t be chucking these around in frustration unless you are willing to pay the damages for dents in your walls or their head, respectively. Keep your compressed-tissue dice around for those moments.
They only come in d6s. This is no surprise, since counting 20 little gem pips would be annoying, and using digits would be problematic since Gamer Bling hears that no one has yet cut a crystal into the shape of a legible 3.
They show thumbprints easily. So wash your hands. And dry them. Good advice in any event. In the days that Gamer Bling worked at WotC, one of his fellow workers kept a list of those who didn’t wash their hands, and occasionally threatened to make it public in a sanitary version of the nuclear option.
And, as mentioned before, the little plastic gems stick up above the die surface ever so slightly, which means that if you don’t roll the dice on a relatively soft surface, they might chip or break. But if you’re not rolling these on a padded surface anyway, you’re stupid. Which is another weak point to these dice: using them inappropriately might show that INT is your dump stat.
The Bottom Line
Gamer Bling has to recommend these dice. Period. They are the blingiest, showiest, gaudiest dice he has ever seen.
Boy, is he glad he has some.
Bling Factor: 10 (almost warrants an 11 just for the effort)
Utility: 7 (only because they’re not “everyday” dice.)
Price: $23.99/set of 4 (which, conveniently enough, is the quantity you need for character generation)
You need: 4. Of each color.