Chain Mail Gear

By Chainmaille Wench

Chain Mail Bonding

Hey Giis! Now you can put the “Chain” into “The Ol’ Ball and…” for birthdays, holidays, and I’m-sorry-I-forgot-the-anniversary-of-our-first-kiss days! This is because Chainmaille Wench has a line of accessories for the needs-to-be-blinged-away-from-the-gaming-table gamer!

And now that Gamer Bling has shown himself to be one of those excessive-use-of-hyphenations-for-agonizingly-long-compound-adjectives types of writers, we can get on with things.

(Note: the above paragraphs earned a double eye roll from The Gamer Bling Official Companion. They must be funny.)

Worf says buy some chain mail gear or he’ll have to beat some Klingon fashion sense into you. In fact, most Klingons get their fashion sense by having it beaten into them.Indeed, the provocatively named Chainmaille Wench has started down the dark path of chain mail attire, and forever will it dominate her destiny. Sure, it may seem innocent enough now, with earrings and zipper pulls, but then we get into things with violent names like “chokers” and pretty soon we’re at chain mail bikinis, which would be great except that wearing them should be a privilege, not a right. Which is to say that Gamer Bling has been to Dragon*Con and occasionally wanted to pry his own eyes out with a crowbar rather than see what certain people were wearing.

Hint: They were not dressed as stormtroopers.

At this point, Gamer Bling should point out that he is not much of an earrings-wearing person. Nor does he personally much care for wearing bracelets, especially since the police have finally removed the one that was on Gamer Bling’s ankle. It made sneaking out to the gaming sessions quite the exciting proposition.

So, in order to give the bracelets a fair shake as well as shirk his duties as a reviewer, Gamer Bling turned to Gamer Bling Expansion #1, which, for the uninformed, is cleverly subtitled “his 7-year-old daughter.”

Gamer Bling Expansion #1 had this to say in her home-school essay assignment:

Gamer Bling Expansion #1 pledges allegiance to the niftiness of chain mail gear. Or she has heartburn from being Gamer Bling’s daughter.“Today I tried on a new bracelet. It is made of black rubber and gold metal. It stretches a little to get on and off your wrist.

“This bracelet is a comfortable, everyday bracelet. It is perfect for a small wrist. I think it is good for kids because it is securely made.”

Gamer Bling is now flush with pride. Not only was that review clear, concise, and accurate, but Gamer Bling Expansion #1 dug deep into her brain and fired off large-caliber munitions like “securely,” which is not a word often found amongst a seven-year-old’s vocabulary.

It would be cruel to leave Gamer Bling Expansion #2 out of the loop, so he received a d20-and-chain mail zipper pull to evaluate. Mind you, Gamer Bling Expansion #2 already has a zipper pull, this being a lightbulb design he got at a reading activity at the library. When Gamer Bling offered him his new pull, he, being a five-year-old male, had this to say:

“But Daddy, I already have a zipper pull. I like my lightb–Wow! It has a dice on it! Cool! Thank you, Daddy!”

There you have it: proof that Gamer Bling has raised his children appropriately (i.e., they think dice are cool). Gamer Bling then sat down with Gamer Bling Expansion #2 and asked him to give an oral report (this being a better option than making him try to write one). His report was:

Gamer Bling never had a coat as contradictory as the one Gamer Bling Expansion #2 wears. It’s cool thanks to the dice pull, and warm thanks to the synthetic filling.“It’s really cool. It has a dice. I’m not going to say anything else.”

Right, so maybe he’s not as verbose as his old man is.

Since then, Gamer Bling Expansion #1 has acid-tested the accuracy of the phrase “everyday bracelet,” because she continues to wear it every day and shows no sign of quitting. Quoth she: “I call it my lucky charm bracelet. Because usually when I wear it I have a good day. Sometimes. Usually.”

Gamer Bling Expansion #2 cannot test whether the zipper pull is an everyday sort of accessory, because zipper pulls go on jackets, and Gamer Bling lives south of the Mason-Dixon line where hot days are as common as fried okra at a Southern potluck. Which, by the way, is very common. After all, what else are you going to do with okra other than deep-fry it and hope your neighbors are polite enough to eat it? Yes, there are other uses for a zipper pull, like backpacks and CD cases and such, but one must remember that Gamer Bling Expansion #2 is only five, so the only other zipper he has on his apparel or accessories is his fly, and Gamer Bling is not going to accessorize that.

Although Gamer Bling Expansion #2 has since been heard to say, “I love my dicey zipper!”

As with the wonderful dice bags, these hand-fashioned fashion accessories are well fashioned. No sharp ends kind of jutting out waiting to pierce a sensitive little girl’s skin or take an eye out or get confiscated by airport security. In fact, Gamer Bling can confidently say that more people have died playing with home-made explosives than in all the chain mail accessory accidents in US history.

Weak Points

As Gamer Bling Expansion #1 pointed out, these are not haute couture. But neither is Gamer Bling. He still thinks fart jokes are funny, much to the chagrin of The Gamer Bling Official Companion. But if you want to elevate your accessories, the Wench can get sterling silver, fine silver, or even gold rings with which to make your gear. Just expect to pay a bit more than $12. Many of the accessories necessarily have black o-rings in them, which improves flexibility, durability, and noiselessness, but darkens the look. But black is slimming, or so Gamer Bling hears. He is inclined to doubt this, though, for try as he might, no matter how many black o-rings he wears, he still weighs the same.

Eventually Gamer Bling Expansion #1 will grow out of her bracelet. It doesn’t have a clasp, and it can be stretched only so far.

The links are far larger and more cumbersome than 500 microns in diameter.

And there is a final weak point. That is that the above weak points are so lame that you, the intrepid reader, may think that Gamer Bling isn’t doing his job of being a curmudgeon.

The Bottom Line

Hey, chain mail attire is just fun. It’s colorful, inexpensive and unusual.

Get some. Especially if you have a little girl.

Summary

Bling Factor: 8
Quality: 10
Utility: 2
Price: $10 and up
You Need: Lots and lots

E-tail

Chainmaille Wench is not a widely distributed manufacturer, being a sole proprietor and stylish hand-twister of small rings into slightly larger accessories. And, of course, earrings and bracelets and cell phone charms are not a de rigeur sales item at most FLGSs. In fact, getting women into those selfsame FLGSs is often a challenge, thanks in large part to Giis like Gamer Bling.

This means you’ll probably have to go online to buy this fun stuff. You should try to support your FLGS, but if they won’t support you, you have the right—nay, the divine mandate to move on to greener pastures! And the Internet is a connected series of greener pastures! And disgusting porn sites, which are the prairie chips in the greener pastures of the Brave New World.

But fear naught, for the Chainmaille Wench gives you an amazing available-only-through-this-review-site, too-good-to-be-true, multiple-hyphenated-compound-adjectives-all-strung-together incentive to order: Mention Gamer Bling when you place your first order of $30 or more and you will get a free zipper pull (as reviewed by Gamer Bling Expansion #2 above) or key chain. Retailers placing their first wholesale order get a buy-four-get-one-free deal on any one item. In case you know anyone with five ears.

If you do not find the specific item you wish (for example, bracelets do not appear on the website, for the Wench’s minions are too busy fashioning rings to update her HTML code), just click on her “Contact Me” button and ask. It never hurts to ask. Unless you’re asking for a beating and the answer is “yes.”

So order direct and use the secret “Gamer Bling” code word, or send your FLGS owner to do the same. That way Gamer Bling will not have to hunt you down and beat you with convoluted adjectives.

The Future

Chain mail bikinis. Chain mail neckties. They’re coming, like a zombie apocalypse. Fear them.

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